I am going to be a busy girl

So i have a lot to do over the next three months.

I am currently unemployed so i am looking for a job. While i am looking for a job i am going to do my learners and my license so that i can be more independent, and its time.

Then in the last weekend of February i have to go to durban for my cousins wedding on the saturday, on the sunday it is my sisters baby shower. I used to live in Durban and have not been back for 6 years. Then the weekend after that i have a 21st to go to as well.

On the TTC front, P and I have decided that once i have a job and after the probation period we will try fertiboost for 3-6 months, if that doesn’t work, then we will do 1 round of Artificial Insemination, if that doesn’t work we will not pursue it further. So we will either have a child, be pregnant or give up by the end of the year.
So i hope and pray 2010 is my year, our year for happiness.

I also hope and pray that 2010 is also a great year for everyone else, and that we all achieve great things this year

A Christmas Miracle

So just wanted to let  some of my readers  know that Christmas miracles do happen. Go check out Sharons blog – www.mindfulmeandering.co.za

PS: Still dont know how to do the tag thingie

Just another silly update

I have been a bad blogger and I’m sorry.

So I went to the Ex’s 40th and I looked HOT of course, and it was SOOOOOOOO boring. At least we went with friends so it wasn’t too bad.

We have had ANOTHER rainspider in the house, but this time P just swept it outside.

Oh my word i actually have a lot of news.

So about 3-4 weeks ago our geyser burst. And get this, there was NO drip tray. It was a Friday morning and P was in the bath, (thank goodness we were home), any way so he feels a drop on his head, looks up and sees water pouring through the light fitting. I am in the kitchen and i just here FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU#k, i run through to see what is going on. P is running around NAKED tryin to switch the water off, i am running around trying to find towels to mop up the water that is leaking down the corridor and onto our laminate floors. Now if you dont know much about laminate flooring let me explain this to you- they get wet, they are stuffed. There is foam underneath so the floor starts splitting and seperating. Anyway so P manages to switch off the water and we go to work. P phones a friend of his who is a jack of all trades, he can do anything. So the friend who is a rather large guy  goes to the house with P to reconnect the pipes so we had least have water…even though it is cold, and as he is trying to get out the roof….POP his leg goes THROUGH the cealing. So anyway, P gets hold of the insurance company, explain to them what has happened, they give him 3 numbers, 1 for the plumbers we have to use, 2 for the people who will fix the ceiling, and 3 for the people who will assess the floors. The plumbers fixed the geyser on the Sunday. The following week the floor and ceiling people come and have a look at the house, and since we have an open plan place, the whole house par the 2 of the 3 bedrooms, the bathrooms and the kitchen have to get new floors and be repainted. So this weekend just gone, while i was stuck in bed thanks to a pinched nerve in my back, the walls and ceilings got repainted. and the floors got redone. The floors we originally had have been discontinued so we had to get a new colour aswell. so our house is looking nice, but it smells of paint. Oh and get this, when we had the big hole in the roof, we had a BAT come visit us. I hate those things.

So we have had a lot of visitors at the house, in the past 2 years we have had: 2 frogs, 3 rainspiders, 2 bats, 1 scorpion, 1 pigeon, countless hornets and wasps, and 3 dogs that attack EVERYTHING, and then run away because either they are scared or have been stung. 

On other news, i know 5 pregnant people, all due between beginning March to end of April and all having girls. I wish i was one them but i am not.

P and i are on a TTC break, and actually really enjoying rediscovering each other again. I still love him today as much as i love him 3 years ago. I actually love him more, you know that saying ‘Love Hurts’ I finally understand what they mean. I love P so much it hurts, even when we not fighting, or he hasn’t done something wrong. When i am at work i jsut want to be with him, he is all i think about all day everyday. When i fall asleep i dream of him, and when i wake up, he is there for me. And i feel so lucky and blessed to have him in my life.

Anyway this is a really looooooooooong post so i better get back to work, but i will update soon, i promise (dont hold your breath though) i will TRY to update soon 

The Story of The Rainspider

So I have been a bad blogger lately. I dont really have much to update about. But i do have some weird interesting news.

I am going to P’s ex-wifes 40th birtday. Now ALOT of people think we are NUTS  (okay we are nuts but that is beside the point) to go to her birthday. But you know what i feel if i can go to my BOYFRIEND OF 4 YEARS’ EX-WIFES birthday and survive that, i can do anything. So if we go there, have fun and not end up fighting i can do anything. So maybe it is a bit of an extreme ‘test’ for myself but i am still doing this.   But i will look HOT while doing it.

I started my Christmas shopping as well; still got a few things to get, but i am pretty much half way there, the only one i am battling to get is P’s because you cant get it here in SA, so i will have to find someone who can get it for me, also it depends on how much it cost’s i will be paying in £’s (pounds) so i have to think about the exchange rate, shipping etc I am not rock-a-fella, just the other fella.

Oh and here is a funny story.
So this out routine when we get home from work,

Park the car,  get in the house,  put the kettle on, feed the dogs (our dogs have biscuits that make gravy so have to use boiling water to make the gravy) sit down, relax a while, make dinner, eat dinner, clean up, have a bath, have a cup of coffee while watching TV, go to bed. 

But last week wednesday this was out routine, Get home, park the car, get in the house, put on the kettle, go to the toilet, go back into the kitchen to start  feeding the dogs, SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM, there is a HUUUUUUGE rainspider on the wall, it was like 3 cm’s from my hand, now if you know me you will know that i am petrified of anything that crawls or flies, including butterflies, so if i am scared of butterflies imagine how i feel about a grey and brown hairy spider that is bigger than my hand. So P is now laughing at me, becasue i am describing the spider to him like it the size of a volley ball, and he is like “you are over exaggerating” and im like, “no babe, its HUUUUUGE, come and look for your self” now we are busy renovating out kitchen so it had camoflauged itself to the colour of the wall, so P is like where is it, so im like ‘Its on the wall, but it is camoflauged” pointing at which wall it is on, “P is like there is nothing ther….aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa” he screams like a girl, i almost peed myself laughing at my gorgeous boyfriend screaming like a girl .  So im like, ‘I told you it was big” he is like “get rid of it” and im like ‘you get rid of it, i got the last one out’ so he says just put a container over it slide it onto a magazine and put it outside”, so i said, “i will put the container over it you do the rest”, and you know what he says “I think we should sit down and discuss this” like its a bloody business proposition so we sit down, and we dont discuss it, he has a glass of wine and i decide well i have to try and get rid of this thing by myself, so i stand up start jumping up and down chanting to myself  “I can do this, i can do this, i can this, I CANT do this” this goes on for about 10 minutes eventually P comes and gets the broom and knocks it off the wall, and guess what , it crawls under the cupboards, fortunately we can see under so he starts squshing the p0or little thing with the broom, then he gets the Bug Spray poison doom stuff, and sprays like the whole bottle, half killing us and the poor dogs who still haven’t eaten in the process. So we go and get some fresh air, waiting for the poison to settle down, while trying to keep the dogs out of the kitchen. So eventaully we think, no we need to get this thing out of the kitchen, so i say i will do it, its dead so i dont mind, guess what The thing is still alive….can you believe it, so i spray like another bottle of poison on it, squish it with the broom some more (chanting ‘Die mother f*%&er, DIE)  and sweep it out side.  Now i have to still get rid of it, coz we dont want the dogs eating it, so i get the dustpan out, sweep on to the dustpan and try to chuck it over the wall, the things legs are still moving…anyway i think it died.

So now everytime we get home, we check the walls and the kitchen for rain spiders.

I still feel bad about killing the poor thing, i found out that they come inside before it rains because they want to eat all the little nunu’s

Anyway will try update and let you know what happened at the 40th

A Happy Day

Congratulations to Sharon, who got a fantastic result on her Beta today, really happy for you and hope that everything works out.
Please go over to Sharons website www.mindfulmeandering.co.za and congratulate this incredible woman on her fantastic beta.

I Feel Trapped

So one of my favorite Artists is Daughtry – they have amazing songs with amazing lyrics and at the moment one of my favorite songs is All These Lives,  how sad are these lyrics

All These Lives – daughtry

Doesn’t come down when she calls,
“It’s time for breakfast.”
Momma can’t get down those halls
Fast enough to see
Glass is sprayed across the floor
From the broken window.
She can’t breathe anymore.
Can’t deny what we know.

They’re gonna find you, just believe.
You’re not a person; you’re a disease.

All these lives that you’ve been taking,
Deep inside, my heart is breaking.
Broken homes from separation.
Don’t you know it’s violation?
It’s so wrong, but you’ll see.
Never gonna let you take my world from me.
The world outside these walls may know you’re breathing,
But you ain’t comin’ in.
You ain’t comin’ in.

Posters hung on building walls
Of missing faces.
Months go by without the cause,
The clues, or traces.

They’re gonna find you, just believe.
You’re not a person; you’re a disease.

All these lives that you’ve been taking,
Deep inside, my heart is breaking.
Broken homes from separation.
Don’t you know it’s violation?
It’s so wrong, but you’ll see.
Never gonna let you take my world from me.
The world outside these walls may know you’re breathing,
But you ain’t comin’ in.

Shed the light on all the ones who never thought they would become
A father, mother asking why this world can be so cold.

Doesn’t come down when she calls,
“It’s time for breakfast.”
The memories begin to fall.
She asks, “When will I be free?”

All these lives that you’ve been taking,
Deep inside, my heart is breaking.
Broken homes from separation.
Don’t you know it’s violation?
It’s so wrong, but you’ll see.
Never gonna let you take my world from me.
The world outside these walls may know you’re breathing,
But you ain’t comin’ in.

All these lives that you’ve been taking,
Deep inside, my heart is breaking.
All these lives that you’ve been taking,
Deep inside, my heart is breaking.
All these lives that you’ve been taking,
Deep inside, my heart is breaking.
The world outside these walls may know you’re breathing,
The world outside these walls may know you’re breathing,
But you ain’t comin’ in.

Pretty hectic hey? “You’re not a person, you’re a disease” Wow, imagine saying that to someone? That is a diffrent kind of insult, and yet whenever there is only one person i think of, i used to work with her and she was a BITCH. But i would never say that to her.

So i was listening to this song earlier, and started crying. I have had such a terrible day today, you know the kind of day when you just wish you get climb back into bed and only wake up tomorrow, i have been having one of those days.

So i skyped my mom, and she just reminded me that it could be worse…and she is right, but although it does help, a little it still doesn’t make your day better. I have been having such a hard time dealing with my emotions lately. I am down at work, i can let my emotions just be, but when i am with P and at home i have to be strong, he doesn’t like seeing me down, because he thinks its his fault. He thinks that when i am down it is because we dont have children, and although that sometimes is the reason, it is not always. I can just have a bad day, a down day, especially when it is that time of the month.  Today i am exceptionally emotional, i feel sad, empty, tired, and just want the year to come to an end now, it has been a tough year, and i am tired. It has been an uneventful year yet again for me, no big news, no big steps, all hopes have been shattered. I feel as though my heart is bleeding into my soul, and my soul just wants to get out of my body but it cant because it is trapped. I feel trapped.  I feel trapped in my life…how sad is that.

 

 

 

Just Another Update

So on Sturday i met up with Amanda and Eize for coffee at Sandton City, Amanda does a lot of Charity work and i had a lot of clothes to give her, i know those clothes will go to the people less fortunate than myself and they will be appreciated. It was so nice to see the “The Crazy Duo” they are both looking really good. We had a nice long chat then got kicked out of House of Coffee’s coz they wanted to use our table. How rude!!!

So anyway last week i told you my sister is 12 weeks pregnant, she went for her scan yesterday and posted the pics on FaceBook, i went onto FB and for the first time in my life I actually understood what it meant when people say ‘My heart bled’ i saw the five little fingers, and the head. And i really am truley happy for her, but i would be so much happier if that was my child, in my tummy. Anyway i will live, i will survive, and i still love my sister, and the little ‘Nunu’ growing inside her

Dont have much other news, just wanted to do a quick update to let you guys know what is happening in my life

Love you all

OMW!!!!

Okay so the other day i said everyone around me was falling pregnant except for me….so guess what…my sister is 12 weeks pregnant with her second child.

Congratulations big sis, really happy for you

So lets tally the preggie people , S – 8 weeks pregnant,  A – 12 weeks, M – 12 weeks, and N – 14 weeks.

So as happy as i am for all these people i just want to know when it will stop hurting that all these people are falling pregnant NATURALLY, and i am left behind.

I have a theory, I am a good luck charm. Become friends with me and you will fall pregnant!!! I wish i had that gift, I would try and make the world a better place.

Have a good weekend all

Where Do I Begin

Oh wow where did I begin.  

The First Rains of the Season

Last night we had the first rains of the season, I love the first rains, I always feel so happy afterwards, I love the Thunder and lightning but most of all i LOVE the smell, so fresh and clean. For me when the first rains come its like the beginning of something new, that is when you OFFICIALY know that it is spring, and with spring comes new life I am hoping and praying that this time next year i will be experiencing new life.

Okay but enough about that, I had a REALLLLLLLLLLLLLY embarrassing moment last night.

I got out of the bath, dried myself off and dropped the towel on the floor while i put cream on, well i thought i dropped my towel on the floor, but guess where it landed….in the bath. So i had to run accross to my bedroom NAKED…and my neigbour saw me, I almost died. I think HE was mored embarrassed than I was…but anyway. I tol d P and he almost peed himself laughing.

Now on something a little more serious, last night on the way home from work they played Alanis Morressette (i can’t spell) on the radio, Hand in my Pocket , now i have always loved this song and always sung along to it, but since i was so tired yesterday and since i hadn’t heard it in such a long time i just LISTENED to the lyrics, and the words in that song are EXACTLY how i am feeling at the moment, like i am just plodding along and waiting for life to happen, and i hate that. I hate waiting for life to happen, while i am waiting, for children, marriage, new job, whatever it is that i am waiting for life is actually happening.  Here are the lyrics, tell me have you ever felt like this before?  

Hand In My Pocket – Alanis Morressette

I’m broke but I’m happy
I’m poor but I’m kind
I’m short but I’m healthy, yeah
I’m high but I’m grounded
I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed
I’m lost but I’m hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be fine fine fine
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I’m sober
I’m young and I’m underpaid
I’m tired but I’m working, yeah
I care but I’m restless
I’m here but I’m really gone
I’m wrong and I’m sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be quite alright
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I’m free but I’m focused
I’m green but I’m wise
I’m hard but I’m friendly baby
I’m sad but I’m laughing
I’m brave but I’m chickenshit
I’m sick but I’m pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything’s just fine fine fine
’cause I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

Even reading them now, today I still feel very connected to those lyrics, they have never been more accurate of how to describe what I am feeling. Sad? In a rut? Irritated? Tired? or am i just feeling Numb?

I’m Pissed Off

So i have been thinking and meaning to blog about this lately but i haven’t for no reason in particular I just haven’t.

I read something this morning that really struck a cord with me, why are there no movies with infertiltiy as the focus? Why are there no movies with people who struggle with infertiltiy for years and years and then get there happy ending, or for that matter dont get there happy ending. Think about it, have you EVER seen one movie that moved you to tears because of what these poor couples who have to go through treatment after treatment, test after test, failed cycle after failed cycle, miscarriage, stillbirth and really feel there pain. I have never seen a movie like that. You get all these movies about cancer, and dont get me wrong i feel terrible for the cancer patients and there family’s and i would not wish cancer on my worst enemy, but that being said i would not wish infertility on my worst enemy either. Why is it that we as a ‘Infertile community’ can accept other diseases but a large percentage not all but a large percentage of  fertiles out there can not accept infertility as a disease. Are they in denial? Are they scared? Or are they just plain stupid and oblivious to how much this journey can take out of you, how much it hurts. How much every month when AF arrives it feels like your womb is being cut out of you with a blunt knife, and you feel as though your heart is about to explode with anger, hate and agony of having to go through yet another month of failure.  I am sure that i am not the only one who feels like this, so why are there no movies about it. And for that matter, No magazines either, or if there is one why dont we know about? 

I feel so strongly about this topic that as i write i feel as though i am going to explode with such anger and irritation, i want us to be acknowledged, i want people to know that infertility is real, its as real as you and me. It is not a made up problem, it does exist, and it is ruining peoples lives, i am not being melo-dramatic here, people who miscarry suffer, marriages suffer, bank accounts suffer, but the infertiles body, minds, souls and emotions suffer the most. I want people to know, but how do i do that? Please tell me HOW??????

PS: Sharon from www.mindfulmeandering.com reminded me after reading her post this morning.

PPs: I dont know how to make a direct link to her blog by using her name, still getting used to this.